Book of My Shadows

The Scorpio full moon is my favorite. I think a good part of the is because I am a Scorpio and many of us feel like any attention that we can get is good to have. Scorpio is the sign of death and rebirth and is all about transformation. Taurus, the sign the sun is in, has a completely opposite opinion and prefers stability. Moon in Scorpio is all about uprooting everything we know and challenging us to not get stuck in the mud where it’s safe and comfortable. Stability frequently means safety to many. Staying where we are means we know what is going to happen and we can prepare. Staying where we are means we won’t be rejected, make mistakes, or fail. But staying where we are keeps us from growing into our potential.

Where are you stuck today? I’m finding that the best way to learn where I’m stuck is to look at what is triggering me, or what is hurting my feelings or making me uncomfortable or upset. When many of us get triggered we get emotional, upset, and tend to try to take some sort of action to mitigate the trigger whether it’s helpful or hurtful. It’s important that we know what our triggers are so we can prepare ourselves for when we are triggered and hopefully take a more helpful approach.

To do this we must sit in discomfort. Which sucks. No one wants to feel uncomfortable and our brains have evolved to help protect us from discomfort. We classify and judge our surroundings so we can know the difference between what is typical and safe and where there might be danger. The problem is that we tend to react to every trigger thinking that it’s a tiger jumping out of the bushes when it’s most likely an event that we will be able to survive if we can stop and think. I’m not talking about serious life-and-death moments of safety, but those moments of interpersonal interaction that can get to us. It’s that feeling when someone you don’t like does something you disapprove of. It’s that feeling when someone close to you says something that hurts your feelings deeply. It’s those events that cause feelings we don’t want to have. When these things happen many of try to justify, fix, or ignore our discomfort without thinking about WHY we are reacting this way in the first place or to WHAT it is we are reacting.

Think about the last time something triggered you, it can be small, petty, or devastating. What happened when you were triggered? Was this the first time you were triggered in this way? Our triggers will remain our triggers until we can change our relationship with them, and we can’t change that relationship until you get to know it – just like any other relationship. I encourage you to think about that time you were triggered and ask yourself where the feelings you had came from. Why were you angry with the person you didn’t like? Did what they do put you in danger? Or did you disapprove? Why did you disapprove? Was it because you would feel shame yourself if you did that thing? Where does this shame even come from? Did someone like a parent tell you that you should feel this way if you did this thing? If you did that thing would it mean that you aren’t perfect yourself?

Shame is a discomfort that we all need to sit with. Imperfection is a discomfort that we all need to sit with. We go through our lives afraid to make mistakes and when we do make one, feel so much shame that we stop trying to grow or worse, try to cover up and hide our mistake so no one knows that we aren’t perfect. We seek validation that everything we are doing is right and likeable and feel like our lives and self-worth are invalidated when we do something wrong. I think we all need to own the fact that we aren’t perfect. We all know that no one is perfect and that people make mistakes. We are also probably very likely to forgive others of many of their mistakes. But our own mistakes? Let’s ignore them and pretend they never happened.

I challenge you to sit with your mistakes and journal about it. What’s the last thing you messed up? How did it feel? Why did it make you feel that way? What did you do about it? What do you wish you did about it? Did it make you feel insecure or afraid? What can you do for yourself to provide that security? The more we sit with our imperfections and the discomfort they bring, the more we can normalize those feelings so we don’t act as rashly or severely the next time we are triggered. It also helps us prepare for the next time we do make a mistake. The actions we take when we are triggered can severely hurt others and cause long lasting damage, and not just with our friends and family, but in society and the world. This isn’t easy work, but it is necessary work for growth.